Sometimes this feeling I get is unbearable, and I have no way to tame it.

It subsides occasionally, but often it weasels it’s way back into my mind.

and says,

“the world is bad

and nothing I do is helping”…

…

And that feeling is terrible, because growing up, we’re all told that if we work hard and do certain things, we’ll make it.

We will have a family, a job, a nice home, and whatever else you might want.

But it’s false.

it’s a myth.

a fairytale reserved for the fortunate few.

…

And I’m taking classes that I don’t want to.

I’m learning things that don’t seem to add up, but technically do, because well, math always adds up.

for what though?

So the government my family trusts can screw me and everyone I care about over?

So I and plenty of other students can be $80,000 in debt?

So people around the world can hate me for the simple fact that I was born in the United States, and our society is built in such a way that stigmatizes a cultural other?

…

I am so tired of this.

of environmental issues.

of being afraid that the world is going to collapse in on itself because ultimately, we are too greedy to care about anyone but our immediate interests.

of everyone’s general lack of empathy.

of understanding: culturally, socially, economically.

It’s tiring just thinking about all the ways our world is, in simple terms, “fucked”.

…

And so, what is the point in a piece of paper telling me that YES, I HAVE A DEGREE IN ECONOMICS.

when I hate corporate America and how many companies have taken advantage of honest, hard-working people.  Corporations are not people.

They cannot feel bad for screwing some middle-class family over.

They cannot apologize for raking in millions of dollars while the hundreds of employees they lay off struggle to make ends meet.

…

And then there’s my other option of, YES, I HAVE A DEGREE IN POLITICAL SCIENCES WITH AN EMPHASIS IN INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS.

But in this world, where we are so unwilling to admit we are at fault for our own destructions (and I will openly admit that I am greedy and am steadfast in many of my habits that can be hurtful to our planet, economy, and general good of the world population), it’s so difficult to get people to understand or make a change, or even think about change.

How can I negotiate with an unwilling populace or government, or what-have-you.  

How can I please my parents and myself at the same time?  It’s all so difficult when you’re faced with so many issues, but don’t know how to tackle any of them.

There is no magic wand that can be waved to solve my sordid, trivial issues, just as there is no magic spell to solve our global issues that keep me, and probably so many others, at night.

It’s not easy and I will probably spend my entire life working towards something that won’t ever be accomplished in my lifetime.

But if I do have children, or become an aunt, or godmother or anything of the sort, I don’t want to shove these problems on them.

I don’t want to be like this past generation and say, “well, it’s not my problem.  I have 30 more years of semi-normal usage of fossil fuels.  IT’S TOTALLY FINE.”

Because it’s not fine.

And it’s not to say that our world isn’t, generally speaking, better than it was, say, fifty years ago.  Because it definitely is.

But we do have a lot of problems.  And we do have a lot of things we need to compromise and work towards if we want to build a better future for ourselves and the ones we care about.

It’s just difficult to figure my place in all of it, because ultimately, I am terribly, utterly afraid of failure

and criticism

and not making any progressive change.